Reckless Love

 Psalm 34:4 says: I prayed to the Lord and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears.        I admit that I can be a fearful person.  It doesn't always look like outright fright like when you get to the top of the hill on a roller coaster and can finally see the way down.  No, my fear can disguise itself.  It may look like saying no to something that should have been a yes, rejecting something simply because it is new to me, worry and anxiety out of concern for myself or my family, and it can even sometimes come as a wave of depression or a lack of self-esteem.       When I reflect on fear, I can justify that it is a response or an emotion that was designed to keep me safe.  After all, "healthy" fear might keep us from running out into traffic as a child, driving recklessly as a teenager, or risking our life savings as an adult.  But when it comes to fear there is definitely an unhealthy side.  As a par...

      Have you ever paid attention to what gets you fired up?  And I am not talking about a good football game or someone cutting you off on the road.  What bothers you?  When you look at the world around you what do you see and think to yourself, "this isn't right" or my favorite pre-teen phrase "that's not fair".  There is something to those strong feelings, but let me come back to that.      This week I was reading from the book of Exodus about the story of Moses.  Being raised in the Egyptian palace, Moses could have lived his whole life with privilege and riches.  But one day Moses began noticing the Hebrew people (the people he came from) were being oppressed and treated very severely.  I can only imagine he burned with righteous anger seeing the people treated as slaves and when he witnessed an Egyptian beating a Hebrew it says, "After looking in all directions to make sure no one was watching, Moses killed the Egyp...

    Sometimes we can read the Bible and remain unconnected to it.  Or sometimes we go through seasons where reading it is dry or we are just going through the motions.  Yet other times (shocked look) we don't read it at all.  I had someone share with me recently that they asked a small group of people how they felt about the Christmas story and if it had meaning for them today.  They agreed that they felt it should have meaning to them but they weren't really sure how they connected to it.  I have learned to bring a fresh take to Bible reading that I can place myself into the story, ask questions, and think about how it makes me feel.  Let me demonstrate what this looked like for me this morning and how taking the time to do this allowed God to speak to my heart (and maybe yours too).       As I read the Christmas story I thought about Mary's response to being told she would bear a son, the holy offspring of God, and wondered w...

  "May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."  Ephesians 3:19     This verse, though I've read it before, really hit me.  What really stuck out is the words "made complete".  Completeness matters in our culture.  We work for the satisfaction of completing a project, we devour shows and books until the story is complete, we take classes and strive until our degree is complete, and we buy and spend until our collection is complete and we are satisfied.  We start an adoption and expect it to be completed (ouch, real honesty stings sometimes).  But when I read these words in Ephesians, I see the word complete, and deep within me I know this to be true; only the love of Christ completes me.       How does God's love complete?  I am complete in His love because I cannot add to it by str...

      How do you say goodbye to someone you never met?        How do you grieve something that was never yours in the first place?     Today I share with you some of the thoughts I have wrestled with, some of the confusion and hurt I have faced, and the reality we are embracing as a family.  I want to tell you all that after grueling conversations, revealing our feelings and being honest with ourselves and one another, and prayers for help and direction we have made the decision as a family to withdraw from the adoption process.        This did not come quickly or easily, and if I am honest the discussion began last fall.  Thoughts like, "how long should we wait?", "what does it look like to take on Katie's needs at 4 or 5?", "how do I continue to support my children through this process?", "what will people think?".  Some of these thoughts were wholly unhealthy, some were necessary, some were raw ...

 Psalm 119:105     Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.     No one likes to be lost.  Being in new territory where the surroundings are unfamiliar is uncomfortable.  Even if you take a new path because of a detour or because you want to see something new you most likely do it with GPS in hand or landmarks and signs to follow so you can find your way back if needed.  I remember getting lost in Baltimore city by myself before the days of GPS on our cell phones.  My heart was pounding as I frantically looked out my window while trying to find my way and keep my eyes on the road.  I remember the relief that came when I turned around, retraced my steps, and finally found something familiar.       I would say the past month has felt a bit like that on this adoption journey.  The path has felt obscure and downright muddy at times.  And I went through some heart-pounding days where I was certain I ha...

Merry Christmas! It's rainy, it's Christmas...BUT at least it isn't snow (may not be everyone's sentiment, but that white stuff and the cold is not for me)! Enough about that "s" word, let's focus on the BUT!  I wanted to share a quick post because I received a beautiful gift from my husband, and it's captivating my thoughts this afternoon.  Dan gave me a semi-colon necklace that says, "; but God" on it.  A small card that came with the necklace says, "A semicolon represents a sentence that could have ended but instead goes on. ";but God" is a reminder of the hope you have in Jesus.  He is the Author of your life, your name is written on His heart.  Trust in Him, He is writing your story." I am so thankful He is the author of my story.  I don't know what is coming in 2022.  I know my family is hoping and praying it brings a little girl from China who has a place in our hearts to our home and family forever.  We don...

      It has been 2 months since my last blog entry.  A lot has happened since then.  School was in full swing, then there were some hiccups as Covid cases really picked up in our area.  The girls both had exposures and then Madilyn and I both came down with Covid.  All praise to God that our symptoms were mild and Dan and Lydia remained free from it.  Now we have been back at a "normal" life for the past month with school, work, activities, etc.       In the past 2 months, I took steps to work on our homestudy that has come due, and then I cancelled and rescheduled all my steps when I got Covid.  Now we are officially in the home stretch of completing the paperwork.  By the end of this month, I should have everything I need to turn in to our agency, and then they will come and do a new home inspection at our house.  Once this is completed, we will be updated for the state of PA for one more year.  If Katie ...

      August 2021 brought us to the two-year mark of when we started the process of pursuing Katie.  It is simultaneously hard to believe it's been that long and heart-wrenching that we are still waiting.  Much of this journey has felt like these opposing feelings, if that is what to call it, maybe parallel feelings describe it better.  From the beginning, there was a leaning in with anticipation of what God may be calling us to, and a pushback to do something that seems so incredibly hard.  Then there was this driving motivation to complete the mountain of tasks to get to Katie while being overly frustrated that the process was so incredibly cumbersome and complex.  There was an elation when we finally received approval to adopt her, and a sinking dread that Covid was going to make travel difficult.  And now there is this extended wait that brings sadness, fear, worry, and even exhaustion, but yet we experience joy and pleasure as we spend t...

      I wish I had some breaking news to share.  I wish that China would have opened up, and let us come before another new variant and surge in COVID cases.  I wish that I hadn't gathered some semblance of hope that our missionary friends would be getting into the orphanage to see Katie in July only to be let down again.  I wish that as I was praying with my girls the other night their honest feelings wouldn't have had to be that it has been so long now that it is getting hard to picture being Katie's sister.       I am not going to lie.  This is REALLY hard!  So hard that I found myself this past month guarding my heart against more hurt.  I so badly wanted our missionary friends to be able to get vaccinated and into the orphanage to see Katie.  They did get vaccinated in July, but due to another surge in COVID cases, their city in China is shut down until sometime in August.  When I found this out about 2 week...