Do you know?

     August 2021 brought us to the two-year mark of when we started the process of pursuing Katie.  It is simultaneously hard to believe it's been that long and heart-wrenching that we are still waiting.  Much of this journey has felt like these opposing feelings, if that is what to call it, maybe parallel feelings describe it better.  From the beginning, there was a leaning in with anticipation of what God may be calling us to, and a pushback to do something that seems so incredibly hard.  Then there was this driving motivation to complete the mountain of tasks to get to Katie while being overly frustrated that the process was so incredibly cumbersome and complex.  There was an elation when we finally received approval to adopt her, and a sinking dread that Covid was going to make travel difficult.  And now there is this extended wait that brings sadness, fear, worry, and even exhaustion, but yet we experience joy and pleasure as we spend time with our 2 girls as a family of 4 doing life together.  These parallel feelings are both present and very real.  

    As I have been studying the Book of Psalms this summer I came to the longest one, Psalm 119, the other day.  While reading this Psalm I was struck by the author's words which seemed to be expressing two parallel thoughts or feelings.  In this long chapter, I saw several places where the writer swings from declaring his faithfulness to asking for help in believing and understanding.  He has a desire to follow God but admits his need for help in doing so.  

Here are some examples:

    As I learn your righteous regulations, I will thank you by living as I should!  I will obey your decrees.  Please don't give up on me!  Psalm 119:7-8

    I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your regulations.  I cling to your laws.  Lord, don't let me be put to shame!  Psalm 119:30-31

    I will delight in your decrees and not forget your word... Help me understand the meaning of your commandments, and I will meditate on your wonderful deeds.  Psalm 119: 16, 27

    You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope... Lord, sustain me as you promised, that I may live!  Do not let my hope be crushed.  Psalm 119:114, 116

    Your laws are always right; help me to understand them so I may live.  Psalm 119:144

    

    It is encouraging to me to see how often the author praises God's instruction, declares His Word is good and helpful, yet he also keeps asking for understanding, wisdom, protection, and help.  I believe that we can simultaneously know God's goodness, holiness, and provision, but need help remembering it and applying it to our lives.  In my opinion, this is the walk of faith!  There is a story in the Gospel of Mark that speaks to this as a father comes and pleads with Jesus to heal his son if he can.  Jesus responds, "If I can?  Anything is possible if a person believes."  And in Mark 9:24 the father says, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"  

    I share these thoughts with you and our adoption journey because I hope in some small way by knowing my story you might see your story in it.  I hope that you will travel with me on this journey in support through needed prayers and faith.  And if you don't yet know the God I do, I hope you travel with me so you might know God and his goodness.  Despite the difficult moments and feelings, I could not do this life without God.  No matter how we were raised or what we thought we knew about God, there is always more to Him, more to learn and understand, more depth than the Sunday School answers, and a more relational experience than going to church on Sunday.  

    This journey of faith isn't about what we know, but rather about WHO we know.  I can promise that God never stops revealing more and more about Himself if we would just take the time to get to know Him.  My prayer for you reader is that you would lay down what you were taught, your past church baggage and your thoughts about Christians, your preferences and judgments, your fears and worries, your shame and your comparisons... and be willing to open your heart to HIM.  For he is patient with us and our unbelief, he is forgiving of all our wrongs, he is gentle to show us the way we should live and kind in his correction, and most of all he is an all-consuming love that fills in all the spaces and places of our hearts that this world leaves feeling empty.  Maybe you have had conflicting or parallel thoughts about God.  You can't deny what you were taught or your life experiences, BUT maybe, just maybe, there is more that you don't know!  

    As for updates on our adoption, there is still a lot that is unknown.  We still have no timeline for China on when the country will open up and allow us to travel.  We are told by China that they do have intentions to finalize the adoptions that were started, but that they don't believe that during this global pandemic that it is safe for the children to leave the orphanages and travel or come to our country.  The missionaries we know in China have tried on more than one occasion to gain access to the orphanage to see Katie and the other children.  They have offered their assistance in love, they have shown proof of vaccination and good health, yet they are repeatedly denied.  This is very difficult for this couple and us, as we had much hope that they would get in and be able to provide updates for us and care for Katie more closely.  A week or so ago we received difficult news from our home study agency.  Because our adoption has still not been finalized we need to do an updated home study.  In 2020 our agency allowed us to complete a simple addendum to extend our home study due to covid without completing anything other than child abuse clearances. This year they will not extend it again and have asked us to do a full home study update.  After my initial frustration and tears, I printed out my list of tasks and paperwork to complete.  It sits on my kitchen counter waiting to be completed.  

If you are our praying partners, please pray for:

    The energy and desire to complete this home study again

    Katie, my family, and our missionary friends in China

    All waiting families who are on a similar journey as us

    People to come to know the God we know through my story and through your own

    Boldness in faith as we keep believing, and help with our unbelief

    Daily surrender to a God who is faithfully pursuing us all with his love




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