Holy Unknowing

    Sometimes we can read the Bible and remain unconnected to it.  Or sometimes we go through seasons where reading it is dry or we are just going through the motions.  Yet other times (shocked look) we don't read it at all.  I had someone share with me recently that they asked a small group of people how they felt about the Christmas story and if it had meaning for them today.  They agreed that they felt it should have meaning to them but they weren't really sure how they connected to it.  I have learned to bring a fresh take to Bible reading that I can place myself into the story, ask questions, and think about how it makes me feel.  Let me demonstrate what this looked like for me this morning and how taking the time to do this allowed God to speak to my heart (and maybe yours too).  

    As I read the Christmas story I thought about Mary's response to being told she would bear a son, the holy offspring of God, and wondered what she thought this might be like.  She had to be wondering and thinking about how it might all happen, what it would be like, and how a child she would bear would change everything.  I bet she had ideas and plans.  And I bet the way things actually happened wasn't what she was expecting.  Traveling late in pregnancy, not having a private and clean place to labor, and being alone with her husband as she delivered God's son wouldn't have been in her plans.  This wasn't miraculous or amazing.  It was humbling, scary, and uncertain.  If this was how God brought His Son into the world what was she to expect next?  But then shepherds came telling of their miraculous experience in the fields, Simeon and Anna pronounced prophetic words over her son, Wise Men from far away traveled a great distance wanting to meet the boy King and bring precious gifts.  Something amazing was happening even if she didn't understand it all in the moment or know what was going to happen.  

    I also read the story of Jesus's death and resurrection, particularly focusing on the disciples reaction to everything.  In the face of trial, Peter denied his teacher and friend to protect himself.  The disciples remained together in a room behind locked doors out of fear of the Jewish leaders.  Then Jesus reveals he is alive and shows them his scarred hands and feet and they are filled with joy.  Yet just one chapter later in the book of John, Peter says, "I'm going fishing...".  He is sitting again in a boat unsuccessfully catching any fish, just as he was before Jesus came on the scene.  What is he thinking?  Is he unsure what to do next?  Things didn't really go as he had thought they might.  Maybe he goes back to fishing because it's what he knows best, maybe because it brings comfort or provides purpose or keeps him occupied.  Maybe he's working through what happened as he processes his own denial of Jesus.  Maybe he's wondering if he could have done something differently.  

    The thing is, when you or I read these stories in the Bible, we know the whole story from beginning to end.  We know that Jesus' humble beginning with Mary gives way to a miraculous life, a sacrificial death, and a life-saving resurrection that redeems us all and promises us eternal life with God forever.  We also know that Jesus had to die and be raised again to accomplish God's plan, and God redeems Peter and uses him again as a leader this time of the early church and to advance the Good News.  But the real people who went through these real experiences didn't have the whole story.  To them, there were a lot of unknowns and moments that were scary, unnerving, emotional, complicated,  joy-filled, unbelievable, and even painful. 

    As I go through my own experiences and witness the experiences of others, I realize that our lives aren't any different than Mary or the disciples.  In my moments of trial and trouble or joy and celebration, I can't see what is coming next.  I don't understand why things happen the way they do.  I don't have the finished story, I just have what is right in front of me.  

    In this season I have been experiencing lots of endings.  As anyone who has been with me on this journey of blogging knows, I saw the door to adopting Katie close.  My family currently has left one church community for a new one as Dan was called to a new role in ministry.  My dog has cancer and we don't know how much longer he will be with us.  And by the end of this school year, I will be saying goodbye to elementary school days as Madilyn finishes 5th grade.  There is a lot that is unknown as things end and we don't know what's next.  I can relate to Peter climbing back into a boat and announcing, "I am going fishing!".  

    I do believe Peter didn't know what to do with himself.  He had great hope in Jesus, but now things looked different.  Later in that same story, I believe Peter had a breakthrough moment.  He meets Jesus on the beach for breakfast and Jesus asks him three separate times if he loves him.  I think it was an emotional interlude in Peter's story where he was called to face all that had happened and to respond "Yes, I love you!" over and over again, to clear his mind, shake off the guilt, let go of his plans, and once again receive direction.  It was a holy moment because he still didn't know what was next, but he chose to trust anyway.  

    When I surrender to not knowing (not knowing why something had to happen, why something I wanted didn't happen, or what might be next) I experience a deeper relationship with God.  It is in this place that I am reminded that He is in control and I am not.  It's almost like I can hear him say to me something like he did to Peter, "This isn't easy, I know you don't understand, but do you love me?"  And I get to say, "I love you, Lord.  I will trust even though the ending of things hurts sometimes.  I love you, Lord, and I will trust you even though I don't know what's next.  I love you, Lord, because there is something about the unknown that leads me deeper still, into a place that is holy, where I have to surrender even more of myself into your care and your story for me...because I don't know, but you do."