Finding Our Way...I Mean HIS Way

 Psalm 119:105    Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

    No one likes to be lost.  Being in new territory where the surroundings are unfamiliar is uncomfortable.  Even if you take a new path because of a detour or because you want to see something new you most likely do it with GPS in hand or landmarks and signs to follow so you can find your way back if needed.  I remember getting lost in Baltimore city by myself before the days of GPS on our cell phones.  My heart was pounding as I frantically looked out my window while trying to find my way and keep my eyes on the road.  I remember the relief that came when I turned around, retraced my steps, and finally found something familiar.  

    I would say the past month has felt a bit like that on this adoption journey.  The path has felt obscure and downright muddy at times.  And I went through some heart-pounding days where I was certain I had lost my way.  But over the past few days and weeks, I have been reminded of a few things as I retraced my steps and looked for something familiar.  

    You see I have been this way before...lost.  In fact, we all were (and some still are).  Isaiah 53:6a says, "All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.  We have left God's paths to follow our own."  There was a time when I was completely lost in need of a Savior (thank God for rescuing me), but there are many times when I have just stepped off the path and tried to forge my own way.  It isn't always with intentionality that I find myself going my own way.  But I get to the place where I have just been, where I am looking around and nothing seems familiar.  I keep searching for the next turn but can't see clearly.  My heart starts to pound because it feels like I am all alone and can't find my way.  

    As I traveled down this adoption road towards Katie I hit not just an unclear path, but a full-on dead end.  I have been standing in one place, worrying and questioning "how did I get here?".  I have looked for alleyways, trap doors, and even sewer grates to find my way out of this.  I not only lost my way but my purpose.  And on the way, I picked up my old friends: fear, anxiety, doubt, and self-reliance.  

    Old habits seem to find their way in when we are under stress.  And over the past 3 months as I completed a PA home study update for our incomplete adoption I found myself living with some low-level anxiety as I re-visited a lot of what I did back in 2019 to start the process of adoption.  However, last time I had pictures, medical records, videos, and pretty consistent contact with Katie.  I had a plan for how I would care for her when we brought her home.  I secured a spot in a local daycare, I had a plan with my job to take a leave of absence, and I had doctors and clinic numbers on hand to help once we brought her home.  Now 2 1/2 years later, none of our plans remain the same.  

    Katie's no longer 2, but rather she will be 5 this May.  She won't be going to daycare and getting early childhood intervention, she will be school-aged.  In 2021 I received 2 sets of pictures, once in May and again in November.  I don't know if she's been healthy, if she had covid, what skills she has, and if she even knows who I am.  So for the past 3 months, as I came to grips with some of these thoughts and hard truths,  I found myself lost.  I have had days where I  panicked and felt like completely giving up.  I have had other days where I dove into researching domestic adoption or foster care so I can do something with the current valid home study we have before it expires at the end of 2022.  And I have had dark days of guilt and shame when I have wondered if I even want to go through with this and what would it look like to my kids and others if I quit.  

    So what do I do?  I remembered I have been lost before.  And when I was lost, God found me right where I was, picked me up, and put me on the right path.  This is a dead-end only when I look with my own understanding and human logic.  The path is fuzzy and downright muddy if I try to find my own way.  But God is the way!  His plans and purposes are mine.  He promises in his word to be a lamp for my feet showing my next step to take, AND a light for my path showing me the way that I should go.  I'm not lost or too far gone.  I am just looking in the wrong direction.  I'm looking at me, searching inside me for direction and wisdom, seeking counsel from the internet and people to find my way, and all I can see is an unclear destination and scary territory with no landmarks that look familiar.  

    The disciples found themselves in a similar place as Jesus prepared them for his crucifixion and resurrection.  Jesus says in John 14, "When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.  And you know the way to where I am going."  One disciple was brave enough to speak up.  Thomas says, "We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?"  And Jesus responds in verse 6:

I am the way, the truth, and the life.

    I needed this simple reminder.  I needed to retrace my steps to find my way again.  I needed to remember my purpose is to love God with my whole heart, soul, and mind.  I needed to remember that he knows the way.  I needed to relearn that I don't go alone because he is "Emmanuel", God WITH us.  And I need to declare that he will light my path because his word is true and his promises sure.  

    There is no promise of ease or a road without trials.  But there is a promise that he will light my way, he will make the path clear, he has already gone ahead of me and he prepares the way, and he will come behind me to watch my back.  So today I will say it again and soon it will start to penetrate the depths of my heart and soul:  You are a lamp for my feet, a light for my path.  And I pray Lord God, please give me clarity of vision to see it and willingness to walk in it!

Prayer Requests:

1.  We are currently waiting for a medical update on Katie.  After many hurdles, we are working with our agency to reach out and get a thorough update on Katies' well-being.  It is currently the Chinese New Year so I don't expect to hear anything for a few weeks.  Please pray that we receive this update and that it is helpful.  

2.  We would appreciate prayers for discernment and clarity as God directs our steps as well as unity and understanding between all 4 of us (Dan, myself, and the girls). 

3.  For Katie's health: emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual.

4.  For China, for Yangchun City (where she is), and for her orphanage including the other children, the director, and nannies.  

5.  For the lost who do not know they are lost and for those of us who have the light to show them the way.

                                                                                        Lighting Up 2022!