Here's My Heart

     I wish I had some breaking news to share.  I wish that China would have opened up, and let us come before another new variant and surge in COVID cases.  I wish that I hadn't gathered some semblance of hope that our missionary friends would be getting into the orphanage to see Katie in July only to be let down again.  I wish that as I was praying with my girls the other night their honest feelings wouldn't have had to be that it has been so long now that it is getting hard to picture being Katie's sister.  

    I am not going to lie.  This is REALLY hard!  So hard that I found myself this past month guarding my heart against more hurt.  I so badly wanted our missionary friends to be able to get vaccinated and into the orphanage to see Katie.  They did get vaccinated in July, but due to another surge in COVID cases, their city in China is shut down until sometime in August.  When I found this out about 2 weeks ago, I felt numb.  I didn't realize it at first.  But as I thought about it and prayed about it, I discovered I had virtually no emotion about any of it.  No tears, no anger, just numb.  The day I found out, I wrote these words, 

"I want to protect my heart- I struggle with hoping because it hurts to be let down over and over again.  We pray, we seek you, we call on others to join us in prayer, but it seems like they aren't answered.  Oh, how I wish I could see some way that you are moving...something that seems positive, for our good or for Katie's!"

Even as I write this, I wish I had tears in my eyes because it would mean I had made more progress in processing my feelings.  

    It just so happened that I was tasked with reading the Psalms and let me tell you that it isn't a coincidence.  No other book of the Bible is packed with such raw emotion, guttural truth, and genuine praise as this book.  Although my emotions have not been willing to bubble up to the surface, as I read this book I am deeply connected with what the writers have to say about their own struggles and their emotional and spiritual journeys.  It has been good reading that has put words to the feelings I have been shielding myself from.  One Psalm opened my eyes to something new, it says:

    "The Lord directs the steps of the godly.  He delights in every detail of their lives.  Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." Psalm 37:23-24

    Sometimes it is hard for me to imagine the Lord taking pleasure in and wanting to know ALL the details of my life.  But I sat with this idea a little and thought about my own kids.  When we are apart for the day, I desire to sit and listen to them share about their day.  I want to know all the details...I want to hear what they thought, how they felt, how they responded, what was special or fun, and what was difficult.  Why would I think my heavenly Father would feel any different than I do about my children?  My details aren't hidden from Him, but He still wants me to share them.  That day I wrote out the details that are on my mind and took time to share them with Him, especially the part about anticipating contact with Katie through the missionaries and how big of a let down this was for me.  

    I haven't immediately felt better after doing these things, but I have learned that protecting my heart on my own can quickly turn into hardening my heart towards God and is a sign that I am not fully trusting in Him.  Yes, when I open my heart up it can feel vulnerable, and it may even get hurt.  But God's promises are impossible to miss as He speaks through David in Psalm 62,

    "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.  My victory and honor come from God alone.  He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.  O my people, trust in him at all times.  Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge."  Psalm 62:5-8

    As I keep soaking in these words, I see once again that He is all I need!  

    He is my hope.......not my circumstances

    He is my strength (my rock)......I don't need to be strong enough to face today or even what's next

    He is my protection (refuge)........when I open my heart, He will take care of it


So, here's my heart Lord, I know you will take tender-loving care of it.  You gave all of you for all of me.  Don't let me hold any parts of my heart back.  


Once again, if you are tracking with our journey and praying with and for us, we need them and appreciate them!  

Here are some prayer points:

We are still praying for our missionary friends to have access to Katie soon.

We are praying for God's hand to be upon Katie and all the children in her orphanage.  

We are praying that the caretakers in Katie's orphanage would notice God's hand at work in and through the children and that it would be undeniable that it is God as He draws them to Himself.

We are trusting and praying for a way to China where it seems there is no timeline or even communication of ideas for a way to travel.  

We are believing He is working out all the details, but please join us in praying for our areas of unbelief.

We are praying for the preparation of our hearts for Katie and bringing her home while praying for the protection of our hearts in this wait. 



 


    

    

    

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