The Heart of the Father

     I am writing again because I can't miss this thought.  These thoughts I share need to get written down not just to share our journey but because I need to remember them.  As time goes by and one day we bring Katie home I don't want to forget what the Father taught me through it all.  

    Today is Katie's 4th birthday (not really).  This is the birthday she was given, which is one day before the day she was found outside the orphanage on May 6, 2018.  She was estimated to be one year old by a physician and given a birthday of one year and one day from that date (May 5, 2017).  A year and almost 2 months after she was "found" she entered into our lives and two months later we began the adoption process in August 2019.  

    I share all this because sometimes it feels like a process.  It is so easy to get caught up in the adoption steps.  Do this, then that, and then the child will eventually be your adopted child.  But the truth is that it really is much more than that.  But aren't most things that way with God?  As the month of May has arrived so has all the end of the school year busyness.  The last few weeks I have been completely swept up with all the things to do and prepare for that at times I have felt really quite overwhelmed.  It is just too easy to be overcome by the urgent rather than remember what is truly important.  My phone alerts me with emails about the end of the year teacher appreciation (note to buy those teacher gifts), basketball camp starting for Lydia (does she have athletic clothes and arrangements for staying after school), and an upcoming dance recital (oh wait, Lydia lost a ballet slipper...right down a list of things to buy and check our calendar for all the arrangements needed to be ready for the show).  I am sure some of you can relate!

    Swept away...by the details, the noise, the busy.  Then Katie's birthday hit, and I find myself pretty depressed.  I can't focus, I am cranky and sad, I've lost my patience repeatedly, and I am just so darn frustrated with this adoption process.  In the midst of all these pressing matters that nag my inbox and head, I failed to find time to pause and spend good, quality time with God.  I failed to do the thing that was most important- be still, listen, wait on the Lord (He doesn't shout but rather whispers when we make time for Him).  So when this wave of sadness set in, it wasn't surprising because I had chosen to neglect the important and chose to be too busy instead.  

    Now that I have taken the time to cry out, to soak in the Word, to sit and listen, I heard some pretty beautiful things deep in my heart.  Last night I wrote, "It's the eve of Katie's 4th birthday, and I feel like I might just crumble into a million little pieces...I can't stand the heartbreak of waiting for something, anything, especially when each update leaves me wanting more and worrying about how she's changed."  After a night's sleep, a dream about Katie, and the opportunity for a quiet morning alone, my outlook has been changed.  

    I first listened to the story of the prodigal son found in Luke 15.  This lost son comes to his senses after suffering on his own and decides to go home to his father.  The father (who had been treated pretty poorly by this son when he left) is filled with compassion and while he is still a long way off the father runs to him, embraces him, and celebrates that he has come home.  I definitely wander away, not literally, but even this recent stint of choosing busy left me suffering without the Father.  He rewards me with love and His heart when I choose to come back to Him.  

    In Luke 9:48 Jesus says, 

Anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf welcomes me, and anyone who welcomes me also welcomes my Father who sent me.  Whoever is the least among you is the greatest.

   These words reminded me that I was called to see a child who needed to be noticed, to love a child, to open my arms and welcome her in.  Yes, loving her may look like adoption- eventually.  But what I was called to do was to love (and to love on Jesus' behalf).  I am called to stand at a distance, and in that distance, I will watch, wait, long, pine, cry out in guttural prayers, advocate for her best, and just love her.  As I welcome this little one into my heart (not my arms), the Father has done just what He promises in the above verse, He gives me Himself as well.  He reveals another part of His heart to me.  

    I wrote these words this morning while I was listening in the silence, "Trust the process- know my heart, I am showing it to you.  As you ache, know I ache for each one of my lost and lonely children.  As you long for her to be in your arms understand how I pine for my children to turn and come into mine.  As you desire for her to come home know deep within you how much I desire all my children to know me."  You see by welcoming Katie, like His word promises in Luke, I am welcoming the Father's heart.  

    I was called to open my heart to a child, not to the adoption process.  I am to welcome a little one, but not focus on the adoption process and get lost in all the details and worry.  (Just like I am a child of God loved by Him and asked to go and live likewise by loving God and others...I am not asked to be consumed by the details and demands of this fleeting world).  This isn't just an adoption process, this is a process of replacing my flawed human heart with the heart of my Father.  

    My journal goes on to say these final words, "I am teaching you, revealing my heart to you through this process.  It is good!  It is coming!  Know me, know my heart because it is for you.  It is for ALL my children.  I ache for my children to know me, your ache helps you understand that and see a glimpse of me."

    So today I will pine, I will feel the ache deep in my heart, and I will dream of the day that Katie sees my face, smiles, and lifts her arms up for me to welcome her into mine.  Because in this place of deep longing and love I will begin to finally understand the heart of My Father.  


    A new picture of Katie that we received from our missionary friends in China about a week ago.

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