Wait for It

     Waiting is not something we do well.  We are an instantaneous culture with everything at our fingertips.  But God uses waiting to refine us, to grow us, to increase our dependency on Him.  After school ended in May, I wasn't waiting well.  I hadn't heard anything about Katie in months and our documents to adopt Katie were still sitting in China waiting for final approval.  So what do I do now when the room is painted and ready, the car seats and other items are acquired and sitting in the basement, work is prepared to accommodate me taking time off, and we have our names on a waiting list for a preschool?

    In June I reached out to our agency to find a way to contact Katie.  They were able to put me in touch with a woman named Helen who lived in China and could offer her services to contact the orphanage, translate for us or even send care packages for a fee.  So I emailed Helen and we planned a video chat with Katie for July 1st.  I was nervous thinking about what I might ask or say or even what I might learn.  About this same time I was invited to study the book of Habakkuk with a small group of women.  I had jumped at the chance to get together and study God's word with people after all the social isolation that the pandemic brought.  What I didn't know was how much I would need these few chapters in a very short book in the Bible to carry me through the next few months (but He did).  

    In Habakkuk chapter 1, the prophet cries out "How long, O Lord, must I call for help?  But you do not listen!"  He goes on to complain to God about his difficult situation and repeatedly questions the Lord.  It sounded a lot like my own heart (wake up Lord, don't you see what is going on in this crazy world?  Did you forget about our "Yes" to adopt?  Why the delay, can't you see that Katie needs us?  Hurry!).  Our video call that week would only reiterate these feelings I had.  

    At 10pm on July 1st we got a glimpse of our little girl.  China is 12 hours ahead of us, so the call was late, but we were on vacation and kept Lydia and Madilyn up so we could all see and say hello to Katie.  I am not sure what I had in mind for this call, but it was apparent this little girl they called "Jin Jin" had never seen a computer before and certainly couldn't comprehend why everyone was pointing at the screen to people she never saw before telling her it was "mama and dada".  At just 3 years old and in such a confusing situation we didn't get much talking done or a lot of questions answered.  We basically waved hello, introduced ourselves and said goodbye as she fussed a bit and had trouble sitting still.  

    I left the call feeling conflicted.  I saw her for the first time in months and this time in real-time.  She was well and in some ways that brought comfort, but in other ways it brought more worry and concern.  Now that she was back in an orphanage setting her head had been shaved which I hadn't been prepared for and it shocked me.  She also wasn't sitting up on her own tonight.  Was it because she couldn't (we had seen her do it before in pictures, but with CP without therapy the muscles get tight and mobility becomes difficult) or was she just struggling to sit and be still for the phone call?  I went to bed that night and slept fitfully struggling with my feelings and frustration with God.  

    The next morning I continued my study on the porch of our beach house.  In chapter 2 of Habakkuk, God answers his complaint and says "this vision is for a future time...if it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place.  It will not be delayed."  I looked over my study thus far and re-read my own cries to God that I had jotted down, "hurry she needs US"!  My anxieties from last night continued, but then I read what I had written in response to the words God had spoken in Habakkuk 2:3.  These are the words which God gave to me:

Remember, she needs me, she has ME.  I haven't left her.   I appointed you to be her earthly family.  But she is my child.  Your time to bring her home will surely come- it will not be delayed!  These "delays" as you see them are not that.  My timing is perfect!

    The comfort these words brought after seeing Katie and continue to bring could only be from Him.  As I continued to study this book of the Bible God taught me much about waiting.  As I said at the beginning, God uses waiting to grow us.  This wait was much more about what God was doing in my heart than about what would happen in the future.  Heart work is hard work (and not always pleasant).  But I am learning to put my trust and hope in Him with each passing day.  He is teaching me to not shortcut His timeline no matter what my human eyes see or how much my heart aches.  He knows the deadlines for this adoption, but His plans are bigger than human constraint.  It doesn't mean His way is easy, but I need to trust His way is best and that each thing that happens has a purpose in His plan.  

    Some days are easier than others.  And I don't hold it all together each and every day.  I struggle with doubt and worry, trust and control.  But God is good and He keeps teaching me and loving me through my struggles.  He never leaves me there in the mud and mire for long, therefore I will put my hope in Him, and I will wait.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. " Psalm 40:1-2



                                                                                 Still shot from our video chat with Katie 7/1/2020


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