So Will I

     I have been resistant to creating a public journal about our adoption.  I guess I wasn't sure anyone would really read it or care.  I have kept a personal timeline of all the steps we have taken on this journey to adopt Katie.  But to put it down with feelings, share our struggles, and let others read it.  That is not like me.  However, as this adoption process has lengthened and the wait continues, I get more and more questions.  People hesitantly ask, "how is it going", "any news"?  In a quick conversation it is hard to share.  I can give facts, details and timelines, but I can't tell you what it is really like, how it has felt, how this whole process has not been about the adoption but how God is truly changing me.  

    We began the adoption process last August 2019.  But really it began in January 2019 (and truthfully God had been working even longer than we can know).  We moved into our Palmyra home June 2018, a home that was bigger than I needed but we wanted space to have people in our home.  We love community, we love people gathering in our home, comfortable in our home, and to feel like they can stay awhile and are always welcome.  So we also had one extra bedroom for guests or family to come stay.  Fast forward to January 2019, I was doing laundry in the guest room which had turned in to my de facto laundry room because it was the only room upstairs near the laundry with extra space.  Quietly I worked, talking to God, unsure why we had this extra space and hadn't used it like we planned.  So it became a burden, the extra room, and I began to pray for it.  

    We received Katie's picture as a prayer request one Sunday morning in June 2019.  Just pray for her.  So why when I received her picture did my eyes well up with tears and my heart race?  We talked, we prayed, we asked questions about Katie.  We discovered she had cerebral palsy, that she was 2 years old and was left outside the orphanage at approximately 1 year of age at time of abandonment.  This would have been estimated by a Chinese doctor who gave her an exam after she was found.  Most likely she stopped meeting typical developmental milestones and her CP became obvious to her family by age 1.  Perhaps they felt overwhelmed by the reality of her disability, maybe they spent sleepless nights talking about what to do for they could never afford to get her help.  Or maybe they believed a government orphanage could ensure her better help, food and healthcare than they could give her.  We won't know for sure, but as a parent, I can have an appreciation for the fact that this decision would have been heart-wrenching and difficult.  

    But because of that decision we were holding Katie's photo in our hands.  We didn't begin pursuing Katie until August 2019.  For a few weeks we wrestled.  Dan researched CP and talked to professionals, while I clearly thought through all the ways I was completely the wrong mom for this.  When Dan taught me about CP through his learning, I became aware of my own dismissiveness.  So a few more weeks went by while I prayed, we talked late at night as a couple, and we chatted casually about it with the girls.  A quick summary of us at that time:  Dan was digging in and trying to live into the idea of adopting a child like Katie, Lydia was chanting "adopt Katie" or asking us if we would adopt Katie every day, I was wrestling with my own fears and anxieties, and Madilyn was pretty sure she didn't want a little baby who would get in her stuff.  To think then that we all arrived at a "Yes" just a short while later is nothing short of the hand of God, touching each of our hearts.  

    Dan and I talked and discussed what we thought God was calling us to and what we thought we could handle.  I had hard conversations with Lydia about just what life with Katie might look like.  My 9 year old at the time looked at me and asked tough questions and was wise beyond her years.  Madilyn talked to me about how she didn't want to share with a little sister, but she knew if we thought God wanted this that she would because she wanted what God wanted.  So I ran...literally, on the treadmill.  And I heard the song So Will I by Hillsong.  It is a beautiful song that builds subtly from beginning to end, and it came to the last few stanzas:

                 I can see your heart eight billion different ways

                    Every precious one a child you died to save

                    If you gave your life to love them so will I

                    Like you would again a hundred billion times

                    But what measure could amount to your desires

                    You're the one who never leaves the one behind.  

https://youtu.be/C2U7ffUM5Ec

        And so the change within me began, and it wouldn't be the last.  But God spoke directly to my heart that day as I ran through sweat and tears and choking back sobs.  Because of what Christ did for me, I am not the same person.  He pursued me, loved me enough to die for me, and gave all of him for all of me.  God wasn't asking me to give up my life literally (although maybe life as I knew it and my comfortable ways) but he asked me if I would be willing to love one.  I cannot deny he did it for me, therefore, So...Will...I.

"I have been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.  And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."  Galatians 2:20